I used to think that the more I cared about things, the more I gave them the power to hurt me. This was a sentiment that I also saw everywhere around me. I saw people who had just come out of relationships — people who had just had their hearts shattered into a million pieces — locking themselves away, depriving themselves of the very thing they needed — to love and to be loved. They must have thought, just as I did, that the best way to avoid being hurt is to simply detach yourself from everything. That was how I understood the law of detachment, but this way of thinking just left me empty and hollow inside. It left me feeling like life was totally meaningless.
“Detachment is not that you should own nothing; it’s that nothing should own you,” — Ali ibn Abi Talib (popularized by Jay Shetty)
The above quote is what I consider to be one of the best interpretations of the Buddha’s idea of detachment/non-attachment. I’m sure that I am not the only one who has ever wanted to simply cut off all ties not only with people but with essentially everything in life. The thing is, people will disappoint you, your dog will die, you’ll lose that pair of earrings that you love so much or you’ll outgrow your favorite sweater and you’ll never be able to wear it again. These are the very depressing, harsh realities of our everyday existence. One can’t be blamed for thinking the best way to deal with all of this is to simply not care. I thought it was, and I adopted the age-old mantra: “they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them”.
Obviously, this didn’t work. It never does. The thing about us humans is that we always care. That is why “no-strings-attached” relationships often end in heartbreak. To get attached is the most human thing ever, and the worst/best part (depending on who you ask), is that caring feels so damn good. Take love, for example; sitting with, staring at or just thinking about someone or something that you love can make even the least sentimental among us smile like googly-eyed idiots in public. This, then, is what is most beautiful about it. In that moment, all rationality is suspended, and we forget all about the nastiness of the world. This is why love is so powerful — it has the ability to bypass that part of our brains that always has the end in sight — love gives us the ability to exist only in the moment.
There’s a scene in season 5 of one of my favorite shows, Bojack Horseman, when, after going through a hard break-up, Princess Carolyn decides that she is now going to become a “hard, heartless career gal”, immersing herself fully in her job, making that her top priority. As unfortunate as it was that she was shutting herself off from the possibility of ever finding love, she had the right idea because she was still opening herself up to the other thing that she loves. We can find meaning and purpose by devoting our time and energy to doing the things we love, and the fact that we care about those things makes doing them so much more worthwhile.
Many contemporary psychologists and philosophers agree that the reason why so many working-class people today are suffering from a deep sense of alienation is that they have no personal attachment to their jobs (an idea that originated from Karl Marx). Take, for example, a watchmaker working a century or so ago. This person would most likely have a deep love for the craft of making watches, and the thought of doing it would get them out of bed every morning. Back then, people would live and breathe whatever craft they did because they got a sense of fulfillment looking at a finished product and having the knowledge that it was their own creation. Today, however, most professions have been reduced to just being a cog in a machine — basically, a small, often insignificant and replaceable part of a whole. While this has greatly improved our means of production, it has come at quite a cost.
In my own humble opinion, I think attachment just gets a bad rep. The truth is that no one ever complained about the feeling of being attached to something or someone, unless they were trying to fight it. You only ever hear people complaining about being/falling in love, for example, when they think it is happening at the ‘wrong’ time or with the ‘wrong’ person. In every other case, people love being in love, whether it is with their friends, family or partners.
The human brain comes pre-loaded with a full complement of complex emotions, ranging from anger, sadness, and disappointment, to happiness, joy, excitement, and pride. We doubt, we fear and we hope — it’s part of the human condition. These emotions, I argue, are what make us all feel most alive. That is what, to me anyway, explains why we have adrenaline junkies who live out their lives in search of that rush of fear and excitement. It also explains why people watch horror movies that scare the life out of them or why people walk into movie theatres with a box of tissues to watch a movie that will undoubtedly make them cry. We all want to feel, but we make the mistake of trying to tame the untamable raging river that is the flow of our emotions.
Detachment is not the answer to the turmoil, but an unhealthy attachment to everything is just as bad. If we learn to love things as they come, whilst also accepting when they go, I believe we can live much happier and more fulfilled lives. If you are going to love, love fully, intensely and passionately, and, as Henry David Thoreau said, “suck out all the marrow of life”. To live is so dear, my friends, and to feel is what makes life worth living. Many people don’t ever get the chance to love, to smile upon a rose, to gaze up at the setting sun. Love what you do, so that you are driven out of bed every morning with raging passion. Love the world around you — it will make the sunrises much brighter, the bird songs much louder and the food much tastier. And, when it’s all over, don’t cry because it is done, but celebrate, because at least you had the chance to experience it!
“The secret of realizing the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously! Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius! Send your ships out into uncharted seas!” — Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science.
